Finding Answers

“Take the attitude of a student, never be too big to ask questions, never know too much to learn something new.”  Og Mandino

When you begin a career or a relationship, you begin as a student.  You have a manager or a mentor who teaches you the ropes.  You discover who they are.  You ask questions, study books and learn as much as you can about the field you have chosen.  You make mistakes, learn from them and move on to the next lesson. 

And time goes by. 

You get more opportunity.  Becoming more experienced and more knowledgeable, you rise through the ranks. 

And years go by. 

One day, you turn around and find that you have become the teacher… the mentor.  People ask you questions.  They learn and you lead.

And leadership can be lonely.  There’s not a lot of positive feedback.  Sometimes, it feels like you give more than you receive, and you are still grateful to do it.  Perhaps you feel unappreciated or bored.  You love your opportunity, but yearn for something more.  You’ve stopped asking all the questions, because you know most of the answers about your business.  So you begin to search for new questions to ask, new lessons to learn and new places to grow.

I’ve spent a long time learning what I know.  I run my piece of the business, and at times, it seems quite easy.  I’ve felt restless.  I’ve been searching.  At times, I’ve felt unappreciated or undervalued.  (Don’t we all sometimes?)   I still ask questions, but not as often as I did before.  And yesterday, I was reminded how valuable – no, how critical – it is to always remain a student, not only of your business but also of your life.

Positive change is coming for our Company.  Yesterday, I began to share it.  I reached out to each of my team members to discuss the change, the implications and the opportunities.  The focus of each call was to talk about what this meant for them.  I learned what it meant for me. 

I thought I knew who I was and what I did.  I thought I understood my relationship with each of them.  But we only see ourselves through our own eyes.  You don’t know who you are in someone else’s eyes until you ask.  Frankly, I didn’t really ask as I made each call.  That wasn’t on my agenda.  I “knew” my answers, until my students schooled me yet again.   And as I spoke with each of them and learned who they believe I am, I was floored, humbled and deeply moved.

I’ve been feeling unseen, unappreciated for a while.  But that wasn’t the truth.  It was what I saw in the mirror – a one way dialogue with myself.  My team… my friends… reminded me that communication is a two way street.  If you want to know how people feel about you, then ask.  If you want to know what you’ve taught them, ask.  If you want to know what you mean to them, ask.  And if you want to find out what you still have to learn from them, just ask.

There was a hole in my heart, and my team filled it.

There was a question in my mind, and my team answered it… and more.

They created new questions for me, and taught me that I still have a lot to learn.

I am grateful.

Thoughts on Theft and Things

My truck was broken into last week as I ate dinner with a friend.  I'd just returned from a business trip, so I had a lot of stuff with me: favorite clothing, my computer, headphones etc.      While I am angry that someone felt the need to do something like this, it's the loss of one particular item that I cannot let go of: my iPod.

My iPod was tragic.  It was a second generation model that I have had easily for almost 8 years or so, battered, slightly malfunctioning and filled with the music that I adore.  I have staunchly avoiding upgrading each time something better comes out.  I want to stick with what I know works.  Yes, it has been on the fritz, but it is mine.  Each song represents a memory, a time in my life that I cannot recover, just as I cannot rebuild that music catalogue as it was on that machine.  It was set up in a certain way.  I knew its quirks.  It was safe, dependable, loved and all mine.  It was my past and present.  It is not my future though.

Losing something is never easy.  You spend time looking back, looking around and looking at the loss.  You weren't ready for it, weren't prepared.  But that doesn't mean it's not the right time to let go... to move on.

Things are just that: things.  They are possessions that ultimately possess you, if you let them.  They can hold you back with a tune that is familiar, safe and beloved.  But a thing is just a thing after all.  It has no emotions.  Rather, it acts as a mirror, reflecting back at you only that which you allow it to.  The same goes for life.  Life, career, today... it can be safe, loved and a good place to be.  Or it could be holding you back as well.  Are you leading your own life today, or are you allowing "things" to possess you - to keep you from moving forward, moving up or moving on?

Letting go is hard.  I miss my iPod.  I am angry.  I am sad that its gone, and have to face the fact that it will never be again. I am moving through my emotions - moving on.  There will be another iPod, another opportunity to create new memories and new magic.  I will build the next play list of my life.  While the old one feels like it is gone too soon, perhaps instead it is gone at the perfect time.  Someone else will love that iPod and fill it with their songs and their memories.  They will make it new again, just as I make mine new again.

Someone told me once that "you are a slave to what you own."  Possessions... these things.   They shall not possess me any more.

Today, what is holding you back?  What will hold you down no more?

Just Push Pause

Go ahead.  Make your day.

We got great news at work today – news that is going to make create amazing opportunities for our Company.  News like this also creates an amazing amount of work upfront when you are in marketing.  Your communication plan kicks into high gear.  There are internal memos, conference calls, press releases, phone calls to clients – you name it.  And it all rests on your head.  Time is of the essence, so you want to focus on it completely. 

Unfortunately, what do you do when you get the news sitting in a hotel room in Seattle, far away from it all and already committed to an event that you can’t back out of?

That was my morning.  I was excited and feeling the heat.  After knocking down a few conference calls, I headed out the door – grumbling that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, doing the wrong thing.  I made call after call on the 30 minute drive to the event, sat in my car and made a few more calls and then begrudgingly went off with a smile on my face to do something I felt was a “waste of time” when I ought to be doing something “more important.”

And a funny thing happened as I cranked my way through the first hour of the meeting: I started to relax.  Standing under the sun on the side of a hill, I stopped thinking about what used to be, what I needed to do today or the million things on the to-do list tomorrow.  Instead, for a few precious hours, I let myself BE.  I looked around, saw how beautiful the world around me was and allowed myself to laugh, to enjoy it and just to be grateful for the moment.  I just pushed Pause on work and let life in.

Today, that’s a hard thing to do.  We work longer hours and do more for less.  We make lists: the workday list, the grocery list, the chore list and more.  We rush through the day, checking things off the list, adding something else to the list, looking down and rarely looking up.  We ask for permission from our bosses, our spouses and ourselves for a few hours off and may feel guilty when we do.  But stopping for an hour or a day doesn’t stop our forward momentum.  It doesn’t stop us.  The world keeps turning just as the song keeps playing, even if you push pause for a little while.

Push Pause.  Work hard, yes.  But don’t forget to enjoy today.

Discourse at Dinnertime

You didn't use your manners, Mom!

As often as possible, we have dinner together as a family.  I’ve heard the same studies that you’ve heard about the importance of those nights: how there is a correlation between eating meals as a family to better emotional well-being, higher grades, better eating habits, lower obesity and lower risk of dependence on drugs and alcohol for the children as they grow.  So, every night we gather around the table to spend time together, share stories about our day and to practice our “attitude of gratitude.”  I have noticed recently that, while family dinner is healthy for the boys, it wasn’t feeling so great for me.

Now, my sons are 5 and 3.  They are wonderful kids and are wholly committed to the “war for attention” that siblings engage in.  Dinner lately has been a loud, raucous event with the boys battling for the podium, not listening to each other (or Mom and Dad).  Mom and Dad then get loud, and now no one is listening.  With my nerves jangled, my head on the table and the kids in time out, Steve and I decided we needed a new plan.

Dinnertime now has new rules.

·         We take turns when we speak.

·         We raise our hand if we have something to add.

·         We don’t interrupt each other.  We listen.

·         We lower our voice if we are upset; we don’t raise it.

·         If we are upset, we take 10 deep breaths before we speak, etc.

The “new” rules sound pretty basic, right?  They are just common sense, just polite manners.  Absolutely!  You’re right.  It’s easy.  In fact, the rules are so easy that we adults often forget to practice them.  We adults frequently ignore the rules on television, in chat rooms, on Facebook, in meetings, just about everywhere.  We’re talking on top of each other, calling each other names, not listening to others when they speak, not considering other opinions beyond our own… not modeling the basic manners that we expect our children to follow every day at home or in the classroom.

Our world continues to change, becoming more connected and yet more polarized.  We share every moment of every day, and it can bring people together.  It also can drive people farther apart, ruining relationships and encouraging behavior in ourselves that we would never tolerate from our children.   Time may change the way we communicate, but it doesn’t change the meaning of common decency, kindness and compassion.  Time doesn’t diminish the value of intelligent discourse, of sharing ideas or seeing things from another point of view.  We may not change our opinion, but that doesn’t mean someone else’s opinion isn’t equally as valid as the view that you may hold.

When you’re passionate, hurt or angry, it can be hard to slow down and listen someone else, and maybe still agree to disagree.  It’s difficult to disagree in a hushed tone, to let someone else finish their thought and then to really consider it before we rush to speak.  It’s much more respectful though, and a healthier way to resolve something.  We may not raise our hands as children do in school, but we certainly should hold ourselves to the same standards of respectful communication that we hold our children to.  Good manners and healthy communication shouldn’t be optional, regardless of whether it’s online, in a meeting or around the dinner table. 

We expect it of our children.  We should demand it from ourselves.